Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education, and Research

(206) 522-8588

Does Male Sexuality Have a Future?

Male sexuality is under attack. The liberation of the sixties heightened the sexual contradictions of the typical Western male view of sexuality. The Feminist critique has shaken the foundations. Gay liberation has raised profound questions about sex roles and behaviors. AIDS makes you wonder if there is any future in it at all.

It is increasingly difficult for men to "feel good" about sex. Whether it is the sexual athlete besieged by doubts about addiction, or the sexual mouse that wants to roar just once before the grim reaper comes; or any of the countless gradations in-between, sex has become "an issue" in men's lives. And, increasingly, it has become an issue intimately wound up with similarly fundamental issues like self-esteem, personal worth, and responsibility.

One approach to understanding what is going on is to recognize that whenever there is a lot of heat and motion around an issue, some "paradigm shift" is about to happen. Thomas Kuhn introduced the idea of "paradigm shift" when he analyzed fundamental changes in scientific thought, what he also called "scientific revolutions." On "this" side of the paradigm shift, it is impossible to say with certainty what the "other" side will look like. But we know it is happening when the issue heats up, when there is a lot of resistance to change, and when people get upset. In short, a paradigm shift is more than a change in thought: it also means a fundamental change in personal behavior. We can get some clues on where this paradigm shift is going by focusing in on the basic structure of the current paradigm. Bernie Zilbergeld, in The New Male Sexuality, talks about the prevailing myth governing how men think about themselves sexually. It is summed up in the image, "It's two feet long, hard as steel, always ready, and will knock your socks off." This mythic image tells us that male sexuality is 1) genitally focused, 2) detached from other parts and conditions of our lives, 3) is performance oriented, and 4) should always be one of those loaded experiences everybody talks about. No wonder most men feel sexually inadequate.

If this is the basic structure of the way men think about sex, and if this is radically shifting, what might it be shifting to? First, it may well be a sexuality which engages the entire body in a diffused experience, not just a genital experience. All forms of touch could be considered sexual in themselves, not just "foreplay." For example, men could learn to have orgasms (no longer synonymous with ejaculation) that become a total body experience. Second, sexuality might be integrated into all other parts of men's lives. We could begin to see how a certain sexual glow can actually enhance our effectiveness at work and in our relationships, rather than be an impediment to healthy functioning, and could never be interpreted as sexual harassment. Third, sexuality might be pleasure-oriented rather than performance-oriented. Can you imagine sex without strain? Where it is a totally relaxing experience, an energizing instead of a depleting experience? And fourth, sexuality might be a multifaceted range of experiences, not just a single experience repeated over and over again, more or less successfully.

This image, upon reflection, has many elements of a more feminine view of sexuality and, of course, I have simply extrapolated to the opposite of the current paradigm. The new paradigm for male sexuality won't be so neatly and logically developed. It may, in fact, have elements like these above, but it will be a distinctly new whole. A new image of male sexuality.

Joseph Kramer, a sexual investigator and teacher at the Body Electric School in California, is working with "pioneering" men to experience themselves and their sexuality at an entirely new level. Several thousand men have experimented with Eastern sexual practices, techniques of massage and masturbation, and ways of being men together that have promoted sexual health and well-being. Central to Kramer's approach is a sense of the sacred and the attitude of receiving a wondrous gift. I have accompanied about 70 men through one of Kramer's workshops. It has been an entirely unique experience for each one. No wank-and-spurt sameness to this experience at all. This was each man going for the deepest part of himself and sharing that part of himself responsibly with other men. He calls the workshop "Celebrating the Body Erotic." This work is one place where we can get a glimpse of the new paradigm taking form.

Ultimately, the future of male sexuality and the dominant image of male sexuality will be the work of all of us men who decide to tackle this question in our own lives. We will start with what we have: our doubts, our fears, our sense of inadequacy, as well as our hopes and our best intentions. We will work towards gaining a sense of responsibility and integrity about sex that we may not feel now. We will learn about it together. What we need is a little courage to give up the old myth, to recognize that it doesn't fit in our lives anymore, and to start living into a new one that fits more comfortably in our bodies and in our relationships.

Copyright © 1999 by Bruce Robertson

[Back to Top of Page]